The End of Wanting, The Beginning of Doing
My predominant internal voice is negative, and that is something I want to change. I have found that wanting something and actually doing something to drive change are two very different things. I’m really good at the wanting, the doing,…not so much. Or is that just my negative internal voice talking?
My negative internal voice is really loud, her chatter is constant, she is destructive, she lies, but she is so smart, she sprinkles in just enough truth and is so persistent that I usually end up believing her. She is me, but she is not all of me. She wants to be all of me, she tells me she will be all of me. I don’t want that, but what am I doing about it?
I’ve talked a lot over the last year and a half or so about working on myself because I want to be the best version of “me” (talk about an abstract concept). I make big declarative statements about being a better mother, friend, daughter, sibling or human being in general. Lately, when I hear myself, I sound like one of the 100s of inspirational quotes you find posted on social media every day, which if fine, considering that I love inspirational quotes, but it is really hard to execute on such abstract concepts.
I am stuck in this phase between wanting and doing. Every time I find myself thinking about executing on what I want or actually doing something to move myself forward, my internal voice starts weighing in, showing me how all roads lead to failure, because I am someone who isn’t willing to do the work. She sites dozens of examples of times I took the selfish way, or the easy way, or didn’t even bother trying, even when I was saying I was trying. So far, she has been mostly successful at keeping me in this place between wanting and doing with her constant reminders of my past failures, and this is a terrible place to be. She never talks about my successes and, with the constant reminder of my failures, I forget my successes, or I remember them with a negative….”yeah but”, at the end to minimize them.
Today I call bullshit on my internal voice and celebrate a success that started out as an abstract concept. This is my ammunition, my evidence that all roads do not lead to failure:
A little over 6 years ago I started doing Mixed Martial Arts (MMA). A co-worker and I were both looking to get into shape and she suggested a school near her house and I figured I would give it a try. At the time, I weighed about 240 lbs. I had started doing triathlons a few years before and had managed to lose about 40 lbs. from my non pregnancy high of 285, but I was looking for something to do year round. From my very first class, I fell in love. Not only was it an amazing workout, (I could barely get out of bed the next day I was so sore) but kicking and punching a bag for an hour was an amazing stress relief as well. My co-worker only lasted a few months before she lost interest, but I knew I was in it for the long haul, I wanted to be a black belt.
I started working out at the school 3 days a week and continued to swim, bike, run in the summers but I still could not get a handle on my weight. Annoyingly enough, when people say weight is 85% nutrition, 15% exercise, I was living proof of that. I exercised plenty, but my diet was terrible and it showed on the scale. This was not a new problem for me. I had been on a diet, cheating on a diet, or getting ready to go on a diet every day of my life since I was in 4th grade.
A year into MMA, I really wanted to do something about my weight, so I worked with the head instructors at the school and we assigned weight loss goals to all of my belt promotions. At the time I was a low blue belt (low 2nd level) and we mapped out goals all the way to my high red belt (high 5th level.) Things went well for my first few belts, I was losing weight and taking classes and advancing through the ranks. I felt really great, and then I hit a wall.
I was a low yellow belt (low 3rd level) and my goal weight to hit my yellow belt was 215 lbs. I needed to lose about 10 lbs. to get there. Fast forward 10 months, I was still a low yellow belt and I was 245 lbs., now a full 30 lbs. away from my goal of my next belt and 5 lbs. heavier than when I started MMA. I was frustrated and was talking to one of the head instructors about being stuck and she asked me if I was asking to alter my weight loss goal so I could get my next belt. My response to that question was a very forceful “NO”, and in that moment something clicked inside me. That was the day I became unstuck. It took me about 5 months to lose those 30 lbs., but that night I earned my yellow belt I was so proud of myself for not giving up.
When it comes to nutrition and exercise, I have stayed unstuck. I am almost 3 years removed from that day I earned my yellow belt and I reached my forever goal weight of 150lbs about a year ago. I allow myself a 5lb or so maintenance swing and if I go above that I put in the work to get back to where I want to be, that work will never be done and I am always happy to do it. In this area of my life, my wanting and doing are fully aligned, I know I am forever unstuck. I am hoping to be in a position where I can test for my black belt by the end of this year. I tied my forever goal weight of 150lbs to that belt as one more way of holding myself accountable.
My story of success is what I need to counter my negative internal voice with when she starts trying to keep me stuck where I am today in the journey I am on to be better. She will try to add her “yeah buts” to the end, to turn my success into something less than it is, but I will not allow her. I do not take the easy way out. I do not quit. I do the work I need to do. What I did, losing all that weight, was an amazing accomplishment that I am proud of and it deserves to be celebrated, my negative internal voice deserves to celebrate it too, because she is me.
The above may come across as a personal pep talk, and that’s totally fine because it IS a personal pep talk. I felt that click again, I know the phase between wanting and doing is at an end, if I allow it to be. I’ve been here before, I’ve done what I’ve needed to do, and I can do it again.