Self-Awareness

A couple of years ago, I remember having dinner with a friend and talking (bragging) about how self-aware I was. I knew exactly who I was and what my shortcomings were, there were no surprises anymore, I had myself all figured out. When I think back to my confidence in knowing who I was that day, I cringe at how off base I really was for so many reasons, the biggest being that I was a gay woman trying so hard to live in the straight illusion that I had created for myself. My self-awareness was a lie, one that I had held onto for years. When I think back on the content of that conversation, I was admitting to the fact that I knew I had anger issues, but I had no idea why I was angry so much of the time, nor did it even occur to me then that figuring out why I was so angry was something worth exploring. To me, self-awareness was all about the what, not the why. At the time, I didn’t have a good grasp on so many “whats” and I flat out refused to look at any “whys”.

I was talking to a friend earlier this week, trying to understand the real motives behind my emotional response to certain situations (in this specific case the emotion was jealousy) and she used a really good analogy that I am going to borrower here.

If any of us were to stand in front of a mirror and really take a hard look at ourselves, we would find that our bodies are covered with wounds, some inflicted by others, a good many self-inflicted. Most of the wounds are small and heal into part of what shapes who we are all on their own. Some of the wounds are deep and painful, those need treatment in order to transform into the scars that allow us to be the best versions of ourselves. The most dangerous wounds are the ones that are hidden, the ones that we won’t even admit are there. Hopefully we are lucky enough to have people in our lives that can help us find the wounds that we can’t see so we can treat those too. I am lucky.

Since I’ve come out, I have been trying to find the wounds that need treatment so I can heal them and gain a deeper level of self-awareness which will allow me to grow, but there was a flaw in my treatment plan. I would find a wound, or someone would find it for me, maybe run a little water over it, slap on a Band-Aid, and move onto the next one. That little bit of water was enough to heal some of the wounds, but those deep ones, the REAL ones, those needed much more attention than I was giving them.

I need to spend the time required to care for those wounds, figure out what they are, why they are, or they will never heal. This type of digging, cleansing, can be incredibly uncomfortable and painful, I know these wounds hold some of the ugliest parts of me, things that I am afraid to see and understand, things that are so very deep. My fear made me wish that just seeing the wound is enough, that just knowing it exists is enough, but I know that identification is just the first part of true self-awareness.

Why am I so afraid of what I am going to find? At the end of the day, anything I uncover, is just part of what makes me who I am today. I know I am not the best version of myself, but I also know I am a better version of myself today than the version that I was yesterday.

I have just begun to scratch the surface and have been able to get to the “what” and “why” with some things. I’ve dug in, felt all of the pain and ugliness and come out better and stronger on the other side. I see the benefit of what I am doing.

I have a tendency to view things that are scary, or uncomfortable or hard with a negative lens and I viewed this work as negative, until earlier this week when a friend pointed out to me that it is actually the opposite (this now seems so obvious to me). Understanding what drives my actions, facing why I do the things I do, is a positive thing and essential for my continued growth. The fear remains, the unknown can be scary, but my goal is to no longer allow myself to view this work as negative. Reminding myself that what I am doing is positive is something I know I will need to continue to remind myself of as I work to get to all the “whats” and the “whys”.